A Break-in and An Unwanted Visitor

Well, we've made it to Majuro in the Marshall Islands which means we are on the home stretch. We unfortunately didn't get to spend as much time in Kiribati as we felt like we wanted, but that's the way things go sometimes. After a day in Majuro, we feel like we are ready to move on. We've explored the entire atoll (it's tiny) and had hoped to do some diving and exploring of the outer islands but the weather isn't cooperating for any of that. The seas are raging and thunderstorms and rain squalls and high winds are making traveling to the outer islands and atolls not something that is feasible. So now, we are sitting in a resort where we await for a plane ride to the States, of which there just happens to be a flight tomorrow (there is only one a week).

Majuro is a place that we are glad we have seen but we are even more glad to be leaving. It doesn't have the friendly and welcoming feel of the last few countries we've visited. People seem to be annoyed that we are here. It could be because the country has been occupied by different nations for the last couple centuries and now that they are an independent nation (one of the youngest nations in the world), they are tired of foreign visitors. Who knows? We are told crime is minimal but every shop, restaurant, hotel, and kiosk has at least one security guard, bars are covering most windows and doors, and police are everywhere. All of that security has a funny way of making us feel not so secure.

Since we were at a resort, we decided to do something that you would normally associate with a resort. We got massages. Before you get it in your head that we were living it up, I am going to tell you that a massage here isn't like a massage in the States. The sign said “luxury full body massage.” They weren't lying...except for the luxury part. 4 sets of hands went to work. If you've never had 4 sets of hands working you over, it's surprisingly not as relaxing as you might think.

First of all, the small Asian man who climbed on my back while punching me in the kidneys, yanking my arms out of their sockets, putting his fingers in my ears and tugging, rubbing my eye balls, twisting me in a pretzel, and trying to break my fingers, just didn't seem to get the relaxation out of me that I was looking for. The women who were the other sets of hands that were so gently digging their elbows into my thighs and calves with all of their might while punching me in the feet and yanking on my toes just didn't seem to elicit the relaxation either. After the beating I received, the sponge bath that the small Asian man gave me, surprisingly didn't seem to do the trick in making me relaxed either. I'm not homophobic in the slightest, but having said that, I still prefer to be in charge of washing my own junk. I had to fight to not burst out laughing during the entire massage because I couldn't believe that the torture I was getting and paying for was supposed to be making me feel better. What finally made me relax was when the suffering was over and I got out of there.

Brenda on the other hand had a massage fit for a princess. She left feeling great.

When we got back to our room, we noticed that we had a visitor while we were gone. Someone had taken a big bite out of our lunch that we left on the dresser, the bed looked like someone had been laying on it, and as far as we could tell, someone had rummaged through Brenda's luggage and had tried on her shoes...all 6 pairs of them. We were shocked. So much for the security that was right outside our door.

We opened the door to the bathroom and turned on the light and our visitor just happened to be sitting on the floor...just sitting there like we were invading his space. Sitting there just like he was annoyed that we didn't have a better lunch for him to eat. Just sitting there like he was annoyed that Brenda's shoes were all too small for his massive feet. You should have seen the look on his face. It was of pure irritation. And then the look of irritation turned to the look of aggression. Our eyes met and I knew this was about to get real.

Before I continue this story, I have to tell you something about the people here. They are pretty short. At 5' 8”, Brenda towers over most full grown men. I would guess that most men here are around 5' 2” and that most women are around 4' 8”. They are tiny, and as everyone knows, tiny things are pretty cute. Which is why everyone also knows, big things aren't so cute.

Our visitor was of the not cute at all variety. He was the largest cockroach that I have ever seen. He was massive...which we just went through, makes him not cute at all. If you have never met eyes with a cockroach the size of a jungle lion, I will tell you it's not a good experience. They can smell fear and seem to be able to anticipate your every move before you do. And even though our lunch wasn't the best lunch he has ever had, he wasn't going to let it go without a fight.

When Brenda saw our visitor, a gasp and a shriek was let out that made our visitor's head twitch. She said to me in a stern voice, “you're the man, you need to deal with this!” My resolve was hardened instantly and I knew that I needed to not only protect our territory but I needed to protect my wife from this monster who was trying on her shoes.

A battle with a giant cockroach isn't an easy thing. This guy not only had at least 6 legs that were dancing like a professional prize fighter (I couldn't count all of his legs because his fancy footwork was so fast...there may have been 8 legs), but he also had antennae that had a longer reach than my arms. When our eyes met I'm pretty sure I heard him say, “Let's do this.” Yeah, let's do this.

I moved left. He moved right. I gave a quick fake jab to see his reflexes and he countered with a head bob that told me this was going to a battle royal. I instantly knew I needed to find an advantage. I needed a weapon. The first thing I saw was a dirty towel hanging from the shower curtain rod. With a lightning fast grab and a snap, the towel whipped through the air and struck my opponent but there was no damage done. It didn't phase him in the slightest. He brushed off the towel with his long antennae and said, “Is that all you got?” Then he charged me. My perfectly normal and manly reaction was a scream like a school girl and a jump that unfortunately let him pass right through my legs which gave him a hiding spot in the corner of the bathroom by the garbage can. Crap...I hope no one heard that scream. I used the towel again to slap the garbage can out of the way which brought my opponent back into the open. He looked at me again and chuckled. I needed a better weapon. I needed something stronger.

The next obvious weapon was Brenda's toothbrush. I grabbed it and launched Brenda's toothbrush at my adversary with the aim of a laser and the speed of a bullet. It hit the giant cockroach square on the melon. I could tell he was phased. His eyes were dazed and his balance was off. Since he was stunned for a moment, I darted into the other room for another weapon. I needed a super weapon. I needed something more powerful than either a towel or a toothbrush.

In the split second it took me to get back to the bathroom, the mighty cockroach had regained his composure and decided he wasn't messing around anymore. He charged again, but this time, no screaming like a school girl came from my mouth. I held my ground and didn't jump to miss his charge. While his 6 (or 8) legs were spinning towards me at amazing speed, I pulled out my super weapon and with lightning quick precision my super weapon struck with a vengeance and squished this monster cockroach flat.

If you are wondering what super weapon did the trick, it's a shoe. The next time you find yourself in a battle royal with a giant cockroach, skip the towel and skip the toothbrush. They don't seem to do anything but make the cockroach more mad. Go straight for the shoe. Trust me, it works.


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