DBLAOS

Every once in a while someone has a terrible idea. Generally that idea comes from me and I do my best to convince everyone around me that my idea was great. My convincing doesn't usually work because the only person around me is more often than not Brenda, and as she will tell you, this isn't her first rodeo. I'm pretty sure it's not her first rodeo because she grew up near Spokane in eastern Washington and I think all they do out there is wear cowboy boots and ten gallon hats, tip over cows, and then rope them...you know, rodeo stuff.

Well this terrible idea that I am going to tell you about is luckily from someone else. I may have had a very slight contribution to the idea, but really, my contribution had a few degrees of separation.

If you have been following along this blog or if you know me well, you probably know that I have a bit of a sweet tooth. I'm not going to lie or try to hide it because it's true and if you are fully aware of it, the next time I see you, you just might bring me a cookie. I would be a happy boy if my wife would let me eat cookies for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, and then pie for desert.

Well, there is what I believe to be the very best donut on the face of the earth at the Eastsound Saturday Market on Orcas Island. I'm sure you have heard me talk about them more than once now....they are that good. We have traveled a long way to get these donuts on 3 separate occasions. They are so good that we have already talked 3 different boats carrying 9 of our friends into traveling great distances to get them with us, and if we make anymore friends up here, we will probably try to talk them into it as well.

We just had a great time at a mighty raft-up with our good friends on Small World (Craig, Krystle, and Emily) and our good friends on Seascape (John and Jean). During this raft-up, we extolled the virtues of these donuts and convinced our friends that these donuts were a necessity if they wanted to consider their summer of cruising in the San Juan's a success. Being that Seascape has two retirees on board with nothing better to do and Small World has 3 easily persuaded crew who also had nothing better to do, the donuts were an easy sell. The raft-up broke up and we planned on meeting back up in Eastsound in 4 days.

From where we were anchored, these donuts were about 8 hours of sailing away. You might think that traveling 8 hours for some silly donuts is the bad idea that I was talking about at the beginning of this rambling, but it's not. That's surprisingly the good idea...they are that good. If you are sitting in your cubicle in Seattle and reading this nonsense, it would be like driving to some po-dunk town in Montana to get a donut. The bad part about driving to a po-dunk town in Montana for a donut is that first, you just drove to a po-dunk town in Montana, and second, they don't have these donuts. Trust me. We were in Montana not too long ago and they had donuts...but not these donuts. They did however have cowboy hats and rodeos which made Brenda feel right at home.

Not only were these donuts 8 hours of sailing away, we had to sail through reef strewn waters that have claimed the lives of multiple boats (true), we had to sail through man eating shark infested waters (probably not true), and we had to dodge angry pirates that were looking for donuts of their own (definitely not true). My point is that these donuts weren't easy to get to and we just suckered 2 boats carrying 5 of our good friends into traveling a long way to get a donut. These friends of ours either need to find better friends with better ideas or they need to find better ways to occupy their time.

We sailed into Eastsound on Thursday. I know you are saying to yourself right about now, “I thought the donuts weren't until Saturday???” You are right and you get a gold star for paying attention. We got there early because I wanted to make sure we weren't going to miss them. I was playing it safe. They are that good.

Well, our friends showed up on their boats on Friday and another raft-up happened. There was just one more sleep until D-day (donut day). That last sleep before D-day was rough to say the least. I am pretty sure that no one slept a wink. It could have been because there was a shift in the wind that night which put an uncomfortable strain on the anchors and made a noisy sloshing sound between the boats, but I'm pretty sure it was because everyone was too excited for the donuts. At least that's what was happening on our boat.

Due to the wind shift in the night and the strain on the anchors, Saturday morning was an anchoring fire drill. Who wants to mess around with breaking up a mighty raft-up and re-anchoring boats when we should be mentally preparing for nirvana in the form of a donut? Not this guy. But sometimes boating can be extra fun and that extra fun means scrambling around to re-anchor a boat before those boats end up either on the rocks or tangled up with neighboring boats that were anchored in the bay.

The fire drill takes place and all three of our boats move to a more protected area in Eastsound and re-anchor. At this point we are no longer rafted-up. We are 3 separate boats anchored not too far away from each other. Perfect...almost. The problem we have now is that D-time (donut time) is mere minutes away. When the three of our boats were rafted together, not only are things a little more fun, but also, it's easier to round up the troops to get the troops moving. I was getting antsy. These donuts were probably sitting on a table at the market and I was waiting for the troops to get their butts in their dinghies and get to shore. Holy Crap! Let's move it troops!

When all of the troops finally get to shore in their respective dinghies, we are actually pretty close to being right on time for D-time. The market is almost opening. Little beads of sweat were forming on my brow because I thought we might be late and miss all of the donuts. But no, we had about 5 minutes before the market opened and it was about a 10 minute walk from shore to nirvana. I guess 5 minutes late to D-time wouldn't kill me. As we were walking toward the market, Brenda says “lets stop and get some coffee. I would love a latte to go along with my donut!” Holy Crap! Stop for coffee!?!? We don't have time for that! There are donuts waiting for me that are just a few more blocks away and you want to stop for coffee!?!?

I thought about serving her with divorce papers right then and there and running for the donuts instead of waiting for her coffee, which I might add came from the slowest barrista on the face of the earth, but reason kicked in and reminded me that I actually like having Brenda around. We waited...and waited...and waited... I was sure there would be no donuts left. Thanks a lot Brenda. Your stupid latte was making me miss my donut.

The coffee finally came and we walked the final steps to the donut lady. I could hardly believe my eyes. There were still donuts left at 10:15. We were 15 minutes late to D-time but luckily, the donut lady made just enough donuts so that we wouldn't go without. Thanks donut lady.

Here is where the bad idea comes into play. Craig, from the mighty boat Small World, takes one look at the donuts and says to himself, “these donuts look so good that I should have 3 of them!” The donut lady says, “honey, if you can eat 3 of my donuts, you will be the most famous donut eater in all the land, and I will give you another free donut for you to take home and eat later. But be warned, these are no normal donuts. No mere mortal has ever eaten more than one. More than one donut in your belly may kill you.” Craig says, “that sounds like a challenge to me. I shall slay all three donuts and return for my reward fair donut lady.” Craig's wife Krystle rolls her eyes and says, “were you just flirting with the donut lady???”

I have to interject into the bantering between the donut lady and Craig and tell you that really, these are no normal donuts. I pride myself in being able to eat some treats. I can barely eat one. They are a hearty meal that will make you not want to eat for at least 12 hours and they will most likely block up not only your arteries but your entire intestinal tract for about a week. But still, Craig gets 3.

Craig and Krystle brought along a friend who, luckily for us, is a doctor. He's not a medical doctor (I think he has a doctorate in engineering), but still, he has doctor attached to his name so he is obviously smarter than me and most likely more prepared to handle Craig's instant onset diabetes during his donut eating fiasco. With Dr. Ting supervising and the rest of us troops watching, Craig starts in on his donuts.

Donut number one goes into his gullet in about the same amount of time as it takes most of us to eat half of our donut. 4 of our troops don't make it past the half of their donut and fall into a sugar induced coma. With 4 of our troops on the ground in the fetal position, sucking their thumbs and snoring, it's up to me and Dr. Ting to carry on. I at least finish my whole donut because I have built up a tolerance to sugar over years of training. Dr. Ting has to continue on because he is the only one of us who has doctor attached to his name and will likely be Craig's only hope of survival.

Craig made it through donut 1 and 2 in pretty good time. Donut 3 was where the battle started. It was a fight to the finish. Bite after bite drew a mob of people and pretty soon the whole market was cheering for the man who would be known throughout the land as “the tall skinny guy who is trying to eat 3 of the donut ladies donuts.”

After the last bite of donut number 3, DBLAOS happens. What is DBLAOS you ask? The doctor says it's “death by lethal amounts of sugar. It's a medical term. You can trust me, I'm a doctor.” Since the doctor wasn't a real medical doctor, it goes without saying that his diagnosis of Craig was a little bit off. Craig was still alive. Barely. His body was definitely going into shut down mode and was rejecting the donuts in a fashion that is not meant for children's ears. Let's just say that the donuts needed out and that a bathroom was destroyed, but not before claiming his prize of a free donut for later. Nice job Craig. You've made us proud.

Co-Captains of Small World with donuts in hand and ready for a battle.

Another great sunset from our floating home.